You Can’t Fix Stupid or Why I Love Ron White

Mr GG. was talking to me the other morning. Unlike me, he wakes up all lucid and chipper, ready and able to expound on any number of topics. Whether I want him to or not. (FYI, it’s almost always “or not”. At least until I have a couple of cups of coffee under my belt. And even then…). I had only had 3 sips of coffee and his voice was incessantly rumbling on and what I heard was “blah blah, yada yada, blah yada blah” until he said, “The trouble with incompetent people is that they don’t realize they are incompetent”. He went on to cast some really serious aspersions on a particular person, and I drifted off to that happy place I go to when he gets a tad wound up. Where the blah-yada-blah sort of sounds like the distant buzzing of bees on a summer day.

It’s not like I didn’t already know that. If my own personal experience hadn’t taught me about incompetent people (and believe me, it has), comedian Ron White came up with the definitive final word. “You can’t fix stupid”. He has this riff about choosing a wife, and goes on about how you could get her boobs siliconed, her wrinkles tightened, her butt lifted, etc., but you just can not fix stupid. Truer words were never spoken.

I think Ron White is amazing. If you are not familiar with him, get a hold of a DVD from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He is part of a group that includes Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engval, and Larry the Cable Guy. They are really, really funny. I mean Larry the Cable Guy is gross, but he says stuff that can make you wet your pants laughing.

In our house, we will drop everything to watch Lewis Black or Ron White on cable. Can’t tell you how many times I have seen Ron’s tale of his arrest in New York, when the police ascertained that his alias was “Tater Salad”.

On our last cross country trip, we caught some of a Ron White show at some motel in Nebraska. Mr. GG fell asleep, but I was mesmerized by a bit on how Ron read a woman’s magazine on making men happy, and it included some stuff about oral sex and the frenulum. Huh. News to me.

So when we get to Illinois, and all the women folk of my family were sitting in the yard, sipping ice tea, I happened to mention this, and enquired if any of them knew about this frenulum thing. If you can’t ask your nearest and dearest about stuff like this, who are you gonna call? We were rocking with laughter, spilling our ice tea, and snorting in a very unladylike way. Mr. GG heard us, and wandered over to see what was so funny. As soon as he got close enough to catch the drift of the conversation, he made a fast U-turn and found something else to do. Far, far away. Later, when we were alone, he begged me to never, never, never leave him alone with my sisters and sister-in-law.

I told him to nut up. I told him to put on his big girl panties and deal with it. I laughed at him. A lot. Eventually, I promised to protect his delicate sensibilities, and spare him from further embarrassment. He had to know that I was the instigator, though, didn’t he? He’s only been living with me for 30 some years. Besides, I am always careful when I make promises. I like to keep to specifics, always allowing myself wiggle room to do other stuff that is very similar, but not exactly what I promised not to do. Did I say there were a lot of lawyers in my family? And I’m a quick study.

Anyway, if you ever need a shot of humor, I highly recommend Ron White. And next time you are confronted with a moronic sales clerk, telemarketer, or TV news commentator with obvious brain damage, take a deep breath. And remember, “you can’t fix stupid”.

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