Living With Mormons

Disclaimer: This is SO not politically correct. It puts my bleeding heart liberal claims to shame. It proves that I am biased and bigoted. Well, guess what? I am.

When I was growing up, one of my aunts (by marriage) had a Mormon sister. This woman was often discussed in hushed tones at family gatherings. Of course, my mother married into Catholicism, so we were probably discussed in hushed tones at other family gatherings. Cause the rest of the folks were good old Midwestern Christians.

So until Mr. GG and I moved to Idaho, my Mormon experience was limited to one trip to Nauvoo. And at that time, all I was interested in was geodes, which supposedly were plentiful along that stretch of the Mississippi River. You couldn’t prove it by me. In Idaho there are lots of Mormons. But we mostly lived in Boise, so they didn’t really affect me, except for the daily religious meetings at the Baby’s junior high school. That irked me. But not enough to complain to the ACLU.

But when we moved to Utah, well, “Oh My Heck”, as they are wont to say here. Yep, they say that. Instead of Hell, or Shit or Dammit, which are bad, bad words. I don’t know how Mormons manage to watch prime time TV. Maybe they make special Mormon filters which black out the naughty bits. Oh My Heck! I just remembered. A few years ago, someone actually did edit all the movies in his Mormon video rental store. So much for the sanctity of intellectual property. Someone else sued him. I think it was moviemakers, and they won. Take that Mormons. Robert Redford lives in Utah. You don’t mess with the Sundance Kid.

So, Utah is beautiful. It is a gorgeous geological sonnet with mountains and red rock parks, and salt flats, and lots of forest, snow and sage desert. But these people don’t care. They are pro development, anti environment.

If you are going to continue reading, you are going to have to make some sort of peace with my generalizing. I do it. I do it in reverse. I make generalizations that contradict my previous generalizations.

So, there may well be one Mormon in Utah who also belongs to the Sierra club, but I haven’t met him. Technically Mormons are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. Actually (okay, okay, in MY opinion) they are a bunch of inbred, patriarchal, closeminded religious nuts who have more money than God. Okay, reality check. I was raised Roman Catholic. The Pope actually has more money than God. But that’s because God let him have it. (And if God is on the ball, He should be taking it all away, because this whole molesting kids mess? If I were still Catholic, I would be at the front of the mob with the torches and lynching gear).

Mormons get their money from tithing, and they spend it building temples and making their kids go on missions in really unfashionable black suits, to convert other people to Mormonism, so they can tithe and continue the process. They also spend a lot of money so everyone has a years worth of food stored up in their basement. Our house came with a special cement room for this purpose. We store my daughter’s American Girl dolls and old cassette tapes in it. And I am grateful that I only have the storage room. Because every other house we looked at had a mother-in-law apartment and eleventy seven bedrooms in the basement. I can’t even keep one kitchen clean. What was I gonna do with two?

Mormons live to convert you. They invite you to all sorts of meetings at their wards and stake houses, and they don’t give up until you get ugly with them. Then you no longer exist. And they don’t drink coffee. Or wine. There is a loophole about cold caffeine, though. I think Mormons are heavily invested in Pepsico, so they are allowed to drink Pepsi. I think. I don’t let actual research cloud my predisposition to scoff, because when I do, the reality is much more awful, and makes me curl up and whimper.

Utah is a Really Red state. Really. Red. I was raised to vote. My vote is futile in Utah. The only reason I do, is to counteract someone elses’ vote. Every election I decide which person who has offended me at the grocery store, in the Legislature, on the News, will get his or her vote cancelled because of me.

Okay, I am not making my point. Here’s a short list:

*Mormons consume the most jello in any state in the US.
*Vans with back up cameras sell out here, because so many people back over their own toddlers each year. I am not kidding!
*Mormons wear modesty garments which are ugly white underwear thingies that show under your wedding gown. Or if you are a man, under your sheer, nylon, short-sleeved shirt. Bare shoulders are a Mormon no-no. I once tried to get a Mormon to donate a garment to our Museum as an example of social mores and the Bishop put the kibosh on that in no uncertain terms.
*2 guys got arrested in Salt Lake City last year for kissing as they crossed the Mormon grounds. Late at night. No kids around. Just some outraged security guards.
*A teacher got fired here for wearing a sleeveless top and carrying a cup of coffee to school one morning. It was a workshop day. No children on the premises. But she had signed a contract saying she wouldn’t do that. Still.

Gosh, I am going to have to make this “Living with Mormons, Part 1”, because I am too depressed to continue. Maybe next time I will dwell on something that makes me happy. Like homemade eggrolls, vintage fashion, Mr. GG. Leaving the computer now as Utah Survival Mode kicks in. Later.

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3 Responses to “Living With Mormons”

  1. jess Says:

    GIN.
    GIN.
    and MORE GIN.
    it will help.

  2. Jillo Says:

    Funny then. Still unny!

  3. Jillo Says:

    …funny

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